Someone like you
by Caruncle
Summary: 'I heard that you're settled down, that you found a girl and you're married now, I heard that your dreams came true. Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you' H/N
1. Prologue

Hello, I haven't written ff in ages! But here's an attempt anyway! This is just the prologue- I know roughly were I'm going with it

Reviews are always good

Nikki's POV

_**Prologue**_

_I've tried in every way to stay away from you but I can't. I need to save you- to tell you who you've become because no-one else is, no-one else will. She's drowning you, day by day I see the light leaving your eyes, the laughter lines that used to shape your eyes are fading and, well you're just not you anymore. _

_I remember you from before, when we used to laugh and how every single person in a room would be watching you- either wanting you or wanting to be you- but now, you're still looked at, but viewed through confused and sometimes even angry eyes. The rose tinted glasses have been replaced by the sad reality that you just aren't you anymore- you're a shadow of your former self. That's why they call you Casper, because you're a ghost; a shell, where, once there promised to be a great man. A man who everyone respected yet adored, a man that could make a whole room laugh and yet moments later is taken seriously by the same audience. A man I once believed I could love, but now, even I, who had the thickest rose tinted specs of all, couldn't imagine loving. _

_But you see, in my head, you will always be as magnificent as you once were, and for that I'm glad we don't speak because then I can pretend, pretend you haven't changed, and all the reports, that grow in number day by day, are wrong. Because then, just maybe, one day, if you chose to fill that shell again, I can simply slip back into the content lull that you are back, and that you never really changed. _

_But soon, I will stop caring, I will truly move on, and nobody will be here to save you. You will have to save yourself, and she won't let you. _

_And I know this seems ridiculous; and I wouldn't be saying it if I had seen you smile in the cheesy way you used to- just send me one smile- just once, and I'll leave you be. So next time you see me, just smile, just so I know you're OK and if you are, then great. But if you're not, for God's sake just be you, you get one life- it's too short anyway. I get that you love her, I do, but can you spend your whole life suppressed? Because then, you'll just fall out of love with the most important person of all- yourself. A love that once lost is a battle to regain. _

_But yes, just smile if you are well and genuinely happy- because then I can relax in the knowledge you are OK, because you were my best friend, and I understand how you felt about me now. I'm just sorry I couldn't feel the same. I'm sorry my feelings, mainly imagined by my over analytical mind, ruined our friendship. _

_But that's in the past. I just, for my own sanity, have to know you're happy in the present,_

**So yeah, know it seems a bit ambiguous but it will all be explained! Thanks for reading! G x**


	2. Memory lane

**Chapter 1**

It had been five years since that day- yet she remembered it, she remembered it like it was yesterday. She remembered the screaming and the shouting; she remembered the crying and the exasperated look in his eyes. And it had been then, in that moment she had realised he was done. Done playing swings and roundabouts, he wanted out.

So she let him. The next day she packed up her bags and left. Leaving a letter of resignation on Leo's desk- she hated the way she'd left it with Leo, he would be so angry. He loved Nikki and if she was honest he was the most stable father figure she had ever had, but she hoped he would understand, and she had left him a letter explaining everything. Explaining she didn't really want to leave the Lyle centre or him but for her own sanity this hurt needed to be taken away. She went on to explain she couldn't bear to be around someone who she loved so much and who despite everything didn't love her back, not in the right way anyway. So she just had to get away, not just from the city and in that moment she felt herself yearn for Africa and the simpler memories which it held so fondly in its dusty soil.

And so as it called to her she came. She had enough money for awhile, but the idea of picking up another scalpel made her feel uneasy, it was so pathetic, but every time she considered it, there he was, escaped from the padlocked box in her memory that she had to secure every day – and it was working. The fugitive thought was becoming less frequent, but all the same, the mention of anything even remotely medical just seemed to be the key and there he was, in his scrubs, smiling. This was of course the catalyst for more memories that soon seemed to overtake her whole being, so convincing- they almost appeared real.

She'd lost count of the amount of times she'd woken up in tears, but this morning, even though the tears were still there- so was something else. She ran to the bathroom, hands clasped over her mouth and, once it was in sight, launched at the toilet bowl, what had she eaten last night?

But this happened again, and again, and again and on the fourth morning, she realised. She felt her legs give way as she collapsed down against the bathtub, her brain doing somersaults, clutching her knees with her hands. Knuckles white, eyes red, just staring at the white tiled wall. She didn't need to take a test. She knew.

And with the hopelessness that now overwhelmed her she couldn't fight the box that was bulging at the hinges, giving in, it flung itself open forcing herself to finally confront that night, the night it had all gone so wrong...

'_Here's to you!' Their glasses momentarily collided, clinking, signifying it was time to drink and celebrate the end of the most challenging case of their careers._

'_Thank you,' she replied coyly, holding his gaze for those extra few seconds_

'_But no, you seriously deserve it. If you hadn't found it, god knows what would have happened to Julie,' _

'_And what about you? If you hadn't worked out her true identity then well- I would have never have found that scar,"_

'_Well yes, I am rather amazing. You don't really think you need to tell me that anymore do you?' _

She remembered how she'd laughed at his gentle arrogance. And the laughter had continued. And as the laughter continued so did the champagne. And my god had the laughter continued. She thought back to that night and if she was honest it was the only night in a long time she could remember being truly happy and at ease.

She remembered looking at the clock in the bar, she remembered seeing both hands intertwined on 12 and she remembered thinking it was time to go.

'_But can you feel your cheek?' He laughed as they were leaving, _

'_Dr Alexander, it's time we got you home,'_

'_No, I'm not crazy;' She remember his eyebrows raising and herself just giggling more ' can you feel your cheek?'_

'_Do you suspect cranial nerve damage?' _

'_No, it's a test. It tells you how much you've drunk,'_

As they were talking there taxi arrived. They had decided to get one together as despite living on the other side of town to her; Harry had insisted he take her home. Even as a drunk he was a gentleman.

'_So Dr Alexander, would you explain, to a fellow member of the medical profession the credentials of this test you speak of? I mean has it been validated by medical trials or-'_

_Finally managing to compose herself she interrupted 'Why yes, Dr Cunningham. It a scale that has long been in use- it's a technique used by many to indicate alcohol levels in the blood. It has four stages. Let me demonstrate.'_

'_Oh God, she's demonstrating,' he _gestured to the taxi driver who as far as she could remember didn't even register the conversation. At this point he had moved closer to her, '_right I'm in prime position, ready to learn Dr Alexander,'_

She remembered how close he'd been, how'd she'd felt his breath tickle her skin. How deeply she was looking into his eyes. She remembered exactly what happened next- it could never be forgotten.

'_Is sensation absent in the inner cheek?' She demonstrated by touching her inner cheek with her tongue. She watched his eyes move down to watch its movement in her mouth and then move back up again to return to her gaze. If still absent can any sensation be felt on the lips?' She touched her lips with her fingers and again she watched his eyes follow the gentle rhythmical tapping motion of her fingers against her bottom lip. 'If not, is sensation also absent in the outer cheek?' She gently touched her cheek 'And finally, check the sensation of your forehead, if you can no longer feel that, it is time to stop drinking!'_

He said nothing for what seemed like an eternity, his eyes just observing the features of her face. She almost broke the silence, which was verging on awkward, but then with his face even closer to her own than she had remembered he began to speak

'_So, in your medical opinion Dr Alexander, where on this scale do you fall this evening?'_

'_Well I don't know Dr Cunningham, let me repeat the test,'_

'_Allow me to assist you Dr Alexander, 'see one, do one, teach one' is after all a successful learning technique,' _

She didn't laugh, not now, now it was starting to hurt to remember this, but especially not then. She remembered how intently their gaze was locked at this point.

'_Now, as a medical maverick, I will conduct the test in a reverse order as I believe my technique may cause less errors to occur and hence make the test more medically sound'_

'_Although I highly doubt the proposed change to this long accepted test- I will allow you, Dr Harry Cunningham-self professed, 'maverick' the opportunity to prove me wrong'_

And so as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he moved even closer towards her.

'_Now Dr Alexander, can you feel this?' _

And with this he planted a lingering kiss on her forehead. She didn't say anything, didn't even move. Because if she moved she was terrified he would stop like he had so many times before. Her mind was exploding, but she had to sit still, she was going to let this play out like the perfect scene it deserved to be.

'_Yes Dr Cunningham, I can feel that,'_

'_Good, what about this,' _

His lips had brushed her cheek so gently, yet so intently she heard herself let out a quiet sigh. She remembered how her head was doing cartwheels, gone were the doubts and what ifs- she could deal with them later. So she simply nodded, and with that he looked so deeply into her eyes and she remembered feeling something inside her move, she was his.

'_Good, now...'_

She couldn't remember anything else he'd said. She just let herself melt around him. The kiss started slowly, before he deepened it, gently massaging her bottom lip. She heard herself sigh once more as he tugged it, passionate yet with such care. He would never hurt her, she trusted him so implicitly. Just as she tried to reciprocate, he pulled away. His face now only mere centimetres from hers

'_Sensation still intact Dr Alexander?' _She could barely even nod, his breath, now harder, on her skin was making it impossible to speak- so she just smiled, _'Now what was that last test again?' but_ before he could postulate further, she kissed him. Deeply, allowing him to well and truly certify his hypothesis.

She remembered how that they were so engaged in each other that it wasn't until the taxi driver coughed that they both realised that they were at her building. They broke apart; she remembered seeing her own apprehensiveness being reflected in his worried expression. But he had been the brave one, he had kissed her. It was her turn. So she linked her fingers through his, gently pulling his hand towards her side of the cab, and then to her side of the road and finally to her side of the stained glass door that marked the entry to her flat...

And then she was back, back the African bathroom. Eyes redder, knuckles whiter, face wetter. The memory was so vivid. It was too painful to let the rest out, but she couldn't stop it completely. She remembered how as she shut the front door, how he'd stepped towards her, pushing her up against it. The ice cold glass against her burning skin only intensified the situation further and with that she was helpless in the most wonderful way. She remembered finding her legs wrapped around his waist. She remembered him tugging at her flimsy blouse. She remembered him sliding his hands down to the small of her back before scooping her up in his arms and carrying her to her bedroom-

She suddenly felt her nails pierce the skin on her shin and looked down to see her knuckles, which were now seemingly bloodless, gripping her legs so tightly that the indentations in her skin were close to drawing blood. But this wouldn't make it real again. So with all her strength she left her perfect memory, forced it back into its box. She had more important realities to deal with- including the consequences she was now suffering.

**Ok so I realise it all still seems a bit confusing and we're still kinda half way through catching you up to 'present day' in terms of this fic (which will be set 5 years in the future). Other parts will be longer but I have a lot of work I've already put off for too long tonight! I hope you enjoy it, reviews good or bad are always great, thanks for reading , G x**

**Also- sorry if there is any grammatical mistakes- I'm tired so please don't judge too harshly x**


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